I have sat down to write this post a handful of times and ended up starring at a blank screen, not sure of how to start or what to say. The vision and clarity has been faded and I have just ended up walking away.
If you follow me on Insta, you know that on April 14th, my father passed away. He was fighting cancer, heart disease and as a type 1 diabetic, it was too much for his body. He could take no more. So 2.5 hours before my brother's (whom we lost in 2011) birthday, my dad went to join him.
My plan for the rest series was very scheduled and premeditated but since this loss, I simply cannot find the words that were in my head and on my notebook.
So I am taking that as a sign that I need to move forward with it in a different direction and talk about my rest and grief right now.
I have been dealing with anticipatory grief for the past nine months, knowing this would most likely be the outcome and trying to envision what it would be like very much like a nine month band aid removal and now that it is here, it doesn't feel anything like I anticipated.
It feels less like the scientific process I envisioned and so much more painful in my heart and I feel the loss of not only him but again of my brother.
I share all of this with you not to clog your inbox with my grief but to let you all know that you are human just like me and it sadness is okay, no matter what your circumstance and growth can and will come from your grief.
I am the personality type that dives into "doing" naturally to avoid empty space. The empty space around me is where the grief pours in, my heart sinks and breathing air seems to be incredibly difficult.
Coming back to Virginia, getting the girls back in school and going back to work seemed to be exactly what I needed. My routine, a sense of normal and most of the time in my personal history, it has made me feel better.
But yesterday was my first day back and although the day went fine, my heart was still so incredibly heavy. I came home, felt exhausted and weepy and went to bed.
So rest for me right now is embracing the quiet holes in my life and resisting the urge to fill them with nonsense in the hopes of not feeling pain. My pain is love. My grief is the loss of that love and should be honored as much as that relationship.
We can feel grief for more things than just death and filling those empty holes is a way for us to mask the pain. It could be a job, a broken marriage, end of a friendship etc. Are you like me, do you tend to fill the quiet spaces with more to-do's and stuff? Does sitting in those quiet spaces scare you or make you feel uncomfortable?
I want to thank you for your support when it comes to the delay of my post. I am sure I will be sharing more of this journey with you in hopes to help us all heal our hearts and learn more about ourselves and each other.